If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
the battle rages on
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Everybody freeze!”
-November