I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Snapes on a plane.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate