Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.