How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”