who called it hell and not heaven’t
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Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
there’s probably a fee though
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….