crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Bond. Trauma bond.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.