This should not be this funny I am sorry馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Okay
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
her: I can鈥檛 believe you鈥檝e eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it鈥檚 not October 31 so it鈥檚 just candy
her: either way you鈥檙e not leaving the store until you鈥檝e paid for it
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I鈥檓 a pelican
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don鈥檛 want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don鈥檛 go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won鈥檛
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you鈥檙e awake I鈥檓 awake we been thru this
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.