The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper