Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far