if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
They’re called werewolves.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE