women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
He took my last fry, your honor
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…