[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I feel this so hard
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
lmaaaaaooooooooo