Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You Might Also Like
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
greetings!
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: