Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I ate everything, including the H.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Godspeed, John Glenn
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG