THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Said the murderer.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
it is time once again
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.