I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Kids: Stay in school.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice