Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen