Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this