My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing