Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I triple waxed for this?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her