you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.