[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife