When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.