*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
You Might Also Like
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.