“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
This is not me but this is me
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait