if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
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If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.