I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
What personal space?
My dog
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I am having an out of money experience.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.