Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My background check bounced.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now