Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
when nothing goes right… go left
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one