Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
won’t smith
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP