What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]