j o i m p
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Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My time has come.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
asked my bf how work was today
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.