When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
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Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Never forget.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
cyclists
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.