I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?