oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Nothing to do, you say?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
This trial is so absurd 😭
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light