Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Mouse
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of