*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.