” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
How to wake up a Beagle
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.