We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean