Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.