definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue