Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.