two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
some cats are just doing for fun!
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
my retirement plan is braless
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Tier 3 meme
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D