When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.