You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
You Might Also Like
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
i think we should see other cousins
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!