My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging