Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
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Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.