[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”