According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
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I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?