My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
You Might Also Like
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Breaking news:
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.